Broken and Aware

What is consistency when it doesn't do it's part?
And what is trust if one doubt crushes it apart?
Then there is loyalty, a word few humans know
But honesty's the best policy any liar will tell you so

I need the faith of a listless soul
Reliability of a life out of control
I want stability on a frail foundation
A negligent man full of undying devotion

I aspire for a love beyond a man's desire
A hope that soaks through like wet fire
A forever that fails the last hour
A confidence as strong as my frail willpower

And you see me for what I am, broken and aware
I want someone but that someone isn't there

"I'm having a tough time right now"

Let me tell you what happened to me today ...

So I am driving home from work and I feel the car start to shake in an uncomfortable manner. In fact, it was only a month or so ago that I had tire trouble and ended up on the side of a busy street with two tires off the rim, so as you can imagine I am keenly aware of every bump and jiggle.

I decide to pull into the nearest gas station and get out that flat tire spray thing that is supposed to miraculously cure flat tires (which it turns out I did have). As I am working on this a man comes up to me and politely offers to help me fix my tire. I tell him I'm fine and my husband is on the way to save the day. He then proceeds to ask me if I would be so kind to help him pay for some gas. You see, he has been driving his car to Lexington to pick up his paycheck and he doesn't have any money but his car has been on "E" for 15 miles.

Now picture this ... we are standing outside in the snowy wintery mix of mid January and I'm freezing my hands trying to hold this dang can to fix my tire and this guy is asking me for money. I told him it isn't far and he might be able to make it but really I'm thinking that if he's been on empty there is no way he'll make the fifteen minute drive to Lexington. I figure I can help this guy out. It was getting late and I would want someone to help me if I were in a similar situation. I offer him fifteen dollars just to get him there.

Yes, well he seemed nice and genuine and here I was in my own personal crisis and I thought that I could help someone out. I guess you know where this is going but let me finish because it gets pretty good. ...

Any way, he follows me into the gas station as I pay fifteen dollars for pump 2 and then I head out into the cold to work on my tire. He doesn't follow me but comes out several minutes later. He thanks me way too many times, goes and pumps his gas and then I notice him going back inside. Now this seemed strange to me so I walked inside to warm my hands a little bit and there he is at the cash register buying a six pack of soda's and a candy bar!!!! I was furious. He quickly ignores me and heads out to his car acting like he hasn't seen me.

So I go to the clerk and ask if he just bought all that and they say "yeah ... and about 20 dollars worth of lottery tickets". Well, as you can imagine I was quite angry. And then the clerk says something just horrifying. Apparently this jerk has just told them that I'm his girlfriend and I offered to pay for his gas if he got the sodas.

And here is what happened next ...

I stomp out to his car where he is sitting there starting to drink his soda and I tap on his window ...

Alyssa: "Excuse me sir" (and I have no idea why I called him sir because I was really mad at him and he certainly wasn't a gentleman) "I can't believe you. How could you do that?"

Random ridiculous man: "I don't know what you mean."

Alyssa: "You could at least be honest. I know you just paid money in there and you told them I was your girlfriend. I did something nice for you. Why would you do something like that?"

Jerk: "I'm having a tough time right now"

Alyssa: "I don't care what kind of time your having. You don't do that to people. I was trying to help you and you lied to me."

Bum: "I'm living out of my car right now" (which was also an obvious lie as he only had a few wrappers and junk in his back seat and he didn't look nearly dirty enough).

Alyssa: "I don't care if you're sleeping in your car. You don't do this to people. It is wrong. Don't do this to anyone again."

Liar: "Yes ma'am. I'm sorry."

Alyssa: "Don't ever do this again. You should know this wrong. You know better."

So there I am, 15 dollars less  and feeling completely humiliated and used with a flat tire and scolding a grown man. Unbelievable. I probably should have been more harsh but I was shocked. What is wrong with people? I am trying not to be too hard on myself but I mean honestly ... how ridiculous.

And the resolutions begin ...

A new year ... ah ... the sweetness of change and goal making is in the air. I am of course one of those people who start making posters and check lists to inspire myself to do something differently this new year. I can't actually remember having, at the end of a long and eventful year, said to myself "yes, you did it. thank goodness you made yourself a new years resolution and stuck to it". Who knows, maybe this year I'll change (although I do believe I said that last year).

Oh heck, well I might as well just get on with it. I figure if I put this all in a blog and have it written where people can see it I may just be more inclined to actually accomplish something. When all is said and done, if nothing else, it is nice to take the time to reflect on ones life and recognize what small improvements we can make on ourselves. Goal making is a good thing and I have a lot of fun doing it whether I achieve them or not. If I feel really strongly about a particular goal (for example PA school) than believe me, I shall grit my teeth and stomp my boots until it's done. Any way ...

So, the new goals for 2011 are as follows:

1) attend the temple with my husband as frequently as I can.
2) magnify my church assignments as a compassionate service assistant, young women's basketball coach and women's yoga instructor
3) Delve into the world of organic vegetable and fruit growing this coming season (and as I live in an apartment complex that may involve a bit more effort).
4) Continue to expand my knowledge and excitement for cooking vegetarian meals
5) Have date nights with my husband at least twice a month so we make time to go rock climbing, watch movies and eat Indian food
6) stay in touch with family and friends and attempt to do the birthday cards right this year (I will confess right now that this was last years resolution as well and it didn't really work out so I'm having another go).
7) Make a real effort to build friendships
8) Here's the big one ... have a budget and stick to it (now this one is something that John and I have done off and on but with all the new stresses of student loans, a potential new house and upcoming law school and family trips we really need to be on our A game)
9) Be the best physician assistant that I can be by continuing to learn more about medicine, caring more for my coworkers and patients and working on those CME hours that I need
10) Get back to my musical and creative roots. (I have found more and more that over the years of schooling in science and medicine I haven't made my guitar a priority at all. I want to see more live music and hear the creative young artists in the area jamming away in the local coffee shop. I want to play for shows and write new songs even if I know that only a handful of people will be able to experience them with me. I want to go to concerts and dance with John to Jack Johnson and Ben Harper. I just want to feel inspired again and 2011 is as good a time as any)

And there you have it. My new years resolutions for 2011. I'll keep you updated. And feel free to share some of your own goals :)