Continue

I have been told to continue. I suppose since I no longer grace the walls of facebook this will be my last online connection. So to all of you family and friends, I will continue. And if perhaps you are some stranger browsing ... hi.


Last night I dreamed of surgery. It's only natural when you spend most of your day staring into a  body cavity. Even though I do neurosurgery I still dream like it is vascular. It's always the blood. Wait, that's not true. Dying brain tissue tends to be quite memorable.

 I was called in around 9 for a spinal tumor. It pushed against her spinal cord and she had slowly become paralyzed from the waist down over the past 3 days. We went in knowing it was probably malignant and sadly it was. Hopefully she'll regain some of her function though.

She was a Jehovah's witness and had refused any blood transfusion. Will someone please remind me why these people are willing to die to not receive another humans blood? I almost think that they don't understand what they are really saying. I wonder if they saw their own blood pooling in the canister next to them they might reconsider. She even refused a cell saver (a machine that allows us to collect their own blood during surgery to give it back later if they need it). She was probably right to do so with the tumor being cancerous. We could have spread it everywhere.

That being said, the surgery is always a little bit more tense knowing you don't have a back up plan. I think they bleed more but maybe that's just a mental game.

The surgery went well and I got home after midnight. My dream was filled w/ the pumping of blood, the urgency, and the sense that all was lost.

How melodramatic I know.

factory farms

Only after the last tree is cut down,
the last of the water poisoned,
the last animal destroyed,
only then will you realize that you cannot eat money

-Cree Indian Prophecy

fluff

There are days when all you need is a spoon, peanut butter and fluff.

New song

Safely I wade at the bottom of the ocean and I call out to you
I'll sit here and wait here, praying for you dear, that one day you'll want me too
But don't misunderstand me, I'm not the same girl that you once knew me to be
I'm free and I'm strong and I no longer will let you walk all over me

There's so much space between us and it's so lonely down in the deep
It's just me and this water but where is my fish in the sea?
And as much as I beg you and as much as I plead
You won't come on down here and rescue me

So safely I wade at the bottom of the ocean and call out to you
And I'll sit here and wait here, keep praying for you dear but one day is all I have left of you

Update

I have been wanting to write in my blog for what seems like a long time. So much has been going on and the stories and pictures have been building. So here is an update to all those who were wondering ...

Lauren (one of my favorite people) came to visit with her family. Here she is w/ John and her dad at the farmers market. Bill is sitting on a bicycle that will churn lots of fresh berries into a smoothie that we all could proudly drink. Her family found a turtle named "Blueberry" and I have heard rumors that it didn't quite make the trip home. There was also some question as to who exactly urinated in the hot tub but I'm pretty sure it was Claire. Any way, I love them and we had a great time.

I don't have a picture of Gina (John's other sister) who came to visit recently as well. There is no evidence that she was here but you'll just have to trust me. She brought her baby June and Danny came was here for a few days before traveling for business. June is getting so big!

  A picture of my journal cover as made by me : )

        July 4th

We have finally moved in to our new house!!!! I'll have more pictures once I finally have some of my things unpacked. John and I have been super busy but we are so happy to come home to this beautiful house. I hope you all can come and enjoy sometime soon.

Some pictures of my front yard. I love that my tree is blooming. Oh and look at those roses.

Yes, they came w/ the house!

Here it is ladies and gentlemen ... tah dah!!! My first square foot garden x 2 and it's awesome. Tomatoes, peppers, bunches of herbs and more to come. I not only have a garden but a rain barrel and a compost bin. We have had a lot of hot days and all of the plants are loving it. There is nothing like an organic garden to make a girl smile.

Our good friend David Nickle had a day off from his Army training to enlighten us w/ his wonderful music making. We miss him again already.

Rhubarb, blackberry and strawberry pie

It's getting pretty hot down here and although I spend most of my day inside the windowless world of surgery I am truly enjoying the sunshine. I love riding my bike home from work and feeling the intense heat and the waterless air fill my lungs. When I get home I take a quick dip in the swimming pool.

It was 95 degrees today and it didn't take Annie more than a few throws of the frisbee to start panting like she had run a mile. The poor girl has been in the house too much for her liking and she's really feeling it since I've been working long hours and John too. Soon John will be in school though and she'll have her best friend around and willing to read law books all day next to her on the bed.

I made my first pie of the summer the other day and sitting out on the lanai it looked so good. Rhubarb, blackberry and strawberry pie. Oh my did it taste good and I was so proud of the perfectly placed crust and the tart flavor. I'm enjoying cooking a lot more now. I like taking my time with my "Lexington Farmers Market" apron securely protecting my clothes as I try to make something out the almost dying lettuce from the fridge.

My plants are doing great so far and my parsley and basil are fighting for the best spot in one of my herb pots. I'm pretty sure the tomato is growing way too big for the pot that holds it but until we move into our new house it will have to do. Soon I will have my first square foot garden w/ a cute fence that will keep Annie in as I spend my afternoon's pruning and getting dirt under my fingernails. Actually that isn't quite true because I just bought the cutest pink gardening gloves.

Oh how I love the summer.

The Openness of Open Mic

I am currently sitting in the local coffee shop waiting for the open mic night to begin. I have so enjoyed getting back to music lately. What is so great about open mic night is that you really have no idea what you are going to get. Everyone is sitting around waiting their turn to sell their souls on stage and see how much applause they can get. The skinny kid with long hair half covering his eyes turns out to be an amazing guitarist and the girl who reads poetry really ... shouldn't. It's like that whole box of chocolates deal except you don't have a plastic map that explains which candy shapes are caramel and which are coconut. You see, some are really bad and you have to wonder if they know it or not. But there are others that have real talent and the occasional one that blows you away.

I wonder what I will sing tonight. I usually don't like to plan my set list because each night is different. You don't really know when you are going to feel like singing a song that makes you cry or that makes you laugh until your there, ya know what I mean ...

Sometimes I wish that everyone would just be still and quiet and close their eyes, feel the music as I do. I can remember the day and place where I wrote each song. I remember the feelings and there are times when I play that I can be transported back to that place and have those feelings all over again. It isn't always sweet but it is so raw. I wonder if people can feel it when I strain with the tune or waver with the lyrics just so.

And the music goes on. My name didn't get picked in the drawing of names for tonight's ten minute slots. I'm a little disappointed but I still smile at the old man singing a classic through his long mustache. I have played and been to open mic nights in several states and countries but it always seems as though there is that one older guy that comes every single week playing his beat up guitar and surrounded by the younger crowd with their loud voices and braces. He inevitably sings songs about armadillo's or the loss of a lady.

Oh no, here comes the only black guy in the scene attempting to rhyme his "free-styling". I clap any way. Oh my, I think they've been smoking something as well. He literally just said "I've gotta get me some fan base son". Us white folks aren't so good at this kind of thing boy.

It's a good night

The Best Birthday Ever

So I have been meaning to post about my amazing birthday and now I am finally getting around to it.

One night, as I lay next to John in bed, I hear my sister on the phone with John. I hear her ask "Is Alyssa around?" and I yell into the phone saying hello and wish my little nephew a happy birthday. Perhaps she didn't hear me (which seems proposterous) but I can only assume so as I then hear her explain her plans to surprise me on my birthday by coming down to Kentucky to visit! Well thank goodness I found out about this because my crazy mother and sister were planning on driving 10 hours to be here for my birthday and then turn around the next day and drive another 10 hours home. Who in their right mind would do such a thing? Don't worry, I talked them out of it.

They came on my birthday and we did yoga and had coldstone ice cream cake. We went shopping in the mall where I finally found those buckeyball things (a bunch of magnetic balls that you can make in to shapes ... I know it sounds weird but look it up on youtube and you might be impressed) for my brother's birthday. We went to Berea, saw a few horse races and traveled to Cincinattie for the best concert ever!! We ate Indian and Korean, went for walks and watched Tangled (my new favorite movie).

Oh and I also found out that I got the new job that I have praying for ... neurosurgery in Lexington!!! I can't believe it. I'm super excited : )

Any way, it was absolutely wonderful to have them here. We did a ton of things together and it really made me miss home. I'm so glad that they made the trip! Thanks Mom, Chelsea and baby Chase.

Here are a few of the pictures from the best birthday ever!!!
(unfortunately my beautiful sister will not allow me to post any pictures of her so make sure you give her a hug and then give her a hard time about it because we all know she looks and is fabulous)

So this isn't exactly during the time when my family was here but I wanted to show how pretty the trees are here and how I live in such a nice apartment complex. We love it.

This is me apparently really really happy to have a coldstone ice cream birthday cake. Thank you John. (You see those cookie dough pieces on the top ... yeah ... I ate like three of those)

Baby Chase

Oh my gosh he is just so so cute and we couldn't stop talking about it the entire time.

An old race horse at Old Friends Farm, a local non-profit farm that keeps old race horses from being slaughtered or worse

Everybody loves Uncle John John

Keeneland horse track

The big race of the day

Chase trying on a fantastic hat in Berea. Be careful there buddy ... that's a 50 dollar handmade piece of fashion right there

Chase trying on another hat and playing with a very expensive handmade wooden toy.

Korean food eaten in the rain outside the concert venue. I have some pretty sweet pictures of my mom and sister attempting to use chopsticks in a cold down pour but that might be too funny to put on the internet.

Ok, she is just so cool

And this is what we did ... may we always remember

Service

We did something nice for a new family in the church today. They are from Africa and we were given the assignment to get them two cribs for their youngest daughters. I spent the past several days finding the beds on craigslist to save money and I think I found us some good deals. We picked them up and then bought a mattress for the one and two sets of bedding (they even came with crib bumpers). In all we spent around $270 dollars which is amazing since just one crib at Target costs about $130.

John tried calling them to see if we could come over but the mother doesn't speak any English. We ended up just knocking on their door tonight and introducing ourselves. The husband wasn't there but she and her three girls were. They were so much fun. Even though it was really hard to communicate (the oldest girl spoke some English) we had a great time. They were so much fun to play with and watch as they loved the new objects in their home. They seemed so lovely.

 I think we were there for over an hour just trying to put the cribs together but we finally did and it felt great to leave their home with a little bit of love from the church family. They don't have any furniture except for a bed so I'm glad we could do this for them. It was refreshing to be with them and I hope we go there again soon. Service is such a wonderful thing.

Just a little bit longer

I feel as though I have checked out of life this past week. I have managed to stay just numb enough to not deal with my problems but in the process I suddenly wake up and an entire week has gone by. It's not a way to live to be sure. How do I get out of this? Reality is too scary right now.

I'm sorry to the dirty fish tank, to the dying plants and to the smelly dishes. I think I must neglect it all just a little bit longer. I'm too weak and I don't even want to know what will happen should I gain the strength.

Oh Hulu

So I have a new confession ... I love Modern Family. I don't have cable or even a local station but I do have my trusty old computer that delivers to me the wonders of the internet. Thanks to Hulu I am able to watch something other than Top Gear (a British show about cars that John has been downloading from iTunes like its his job). I have faithfully been watching The Office and an occasional Dog Whisperer or Dog Town but I have recently come to love Modern Family. I don't know if any of you have seen it but it is one of those shows that you almost can't understand why you like it so much but you know that you do. Kind of like The Biggest Loser which is my other guilty pleasure (actually who doesn't like a bunch of fat people screaming in the gym every week? ... hmmm ... maybe that was a little harsh but lets be honest here).

Any way, I thank you Hulu for your brilliant work. Now if you would stop trying to put everything on HuluPlus which forces us to subscribe.

Taste My Cupcakes! - Modern Family

Broken and Aware

What is consistency when it doesn't do it's part?
And what is trust if one doubt crushes it apart?
Then there is loyalty, a word few humans know
But honesty's the best policy any liar will tell you so

I need the faith of a listless soul
Reliability of a life out of control
I want stability on a frail foundation
A negligent man full of undying devotion

I aspire for a love beyond a man's desire
A hope that soaks through like wet fire
A forever that fails the last hour
A confidence as strong as my frail willpower

And you see me for what I am, broken and aware
I want someone but that someone isn't there

"I'm having a tough time right now"

Let me tell you what happened to me today ...

So I am driving home from work and I feel the car start to shake in an uncomfortable manner. In fact, it was only a month or so ago that I had tire trouble and ended up on the side of a busy street with two tires off the rim, so as you can imagine I am keenly aware of every bump and jiggle.

I decide to pull into the nearest gas station and get out that flat tire spray thing that is supposed to miraculously cure flat tires (which it turns out I did have). As I am working on this a man comes up to me and politely offers to help me fix my tire. I tell him I'm fine and my husband is on the way to save the day. He then proceeds to ask me if I would be so kind to help him pay for some gas. You see, he has been driving his car to Lexington to pick up his paycheck and he doesn't have any money but his car has been on "E" for 15 miles.

Now picture this ... we are standing outside in the snowy wintery mix of mid January and I'm freezing my hands trying to hold this dang can to fix my tire and this guy is asking me for money. I told him it isn't far and he might be able to make it but really I'm thinking that if he's been on empty there is no way he'll make the fifteen minute drive to Lexington. I figure I can help this guy out. It was getting late and I would want someone to help me if I were in a similar situation. I offer him fifteen dollars just to get him there.

Yes, well he seemed nice and genuine and here I was in my own personal crisis and I thought that I could help someone out. I guess you know where this is going but let me finish because it gets pretty good. ...

Any way, he follows me into the gas station as I pay fifteen dollars for pump 2 and then I head out into the cold to work on my tire. He doesn't follow me but comes out several minutes later. He thanks me way too many times, goes and pumps his gas and then I notice him going back inside. Now this seemed strange to me so I walked inside to warm my hands a little bit and there he is at the cash register buying a six pack of soda's and a candy bar!!!! I was furious. He quickly ignores me and heads out to his car acting like he hasn't seen me.

So I go to the clerk and ask if he just bought all that and they say "yeah ... and about 20 dollars worth of lottery tickets". Well, as you can imagine I was quite angry. And then the clerk says something just horrifying. Apparently this jerk has just told them that I'm his girlfriend and I offered to pay for his gas if he got the sodas.

And here is what happened next ...

I stomp out to his car where he is sitting there starting to drink his soda and I tap on his window ...

Alyssa: "Excuse me sir" (and I have no idea why I called him sir because I was really mad at him and he certainly wasn't a gentleman) "I can't believe you. How could you do that?"

Random ridiculous man: "I don't know what you mean."

Alyssa: "You could at least be honest. I know you just paid money in there and you told them I was your girlfriend. I did something nice for you. Why would you do something like that?"

Jerk: "I'm having a tough time right now"

Alyssa: "I don't care what kind of time your having. You don't do that to people. I was trying to help you and you lied to me."

Bum: "I'm living out of my car right now" (which was also an obvious lie as he only had a few wrappers and junk in his back seat and he didn't look nearly dirty enough).

Alyssa: "I don't care if you're sleeping in your car. You don't do this to people. It is wrong. Don't do this to anyone again."

Liar: "Yes ma'am. I'm sorry."

Alyssa: "Don't ever do this again. You should know this wrong. You know better."

So there I am, 15 dollars less  and feeling completely humiliated and used with a flat tire and scolding a grown man. Unbelievable. I probably should have been more harsh but I was shocked. What is wrong with people? I am trying not to be too hard on myself but I mean honestly ... how ridiculous.

And the resolutions begin ...

A new year ... ah ... the sweetness of change and goal making is in the air. I am of course one of those people who start making posters and check lists to inspire myself to do something differently this new year. I can't actually remember having, at the end of a long and eventful year, said to myself "yes, you did it. thank goodness you made yourself a new years resolution and stuck to it". Who knows, maybe this year I'll change (although I do believe I said that last year).

Oh heck, well I might as well just get on with it. I figure if I put this all in a blog and have it written where people can see it I may just be more inclined to actually accomplish something. When all is said and done, if nothing else, it is nice to take the time to reflect on ones life and recognize what small improvements we can make on ourselves. Goal making is a good thing and I have a lot of fun doing it whether I achieve them or not. If I feel really strongly about a particular goal (for example PA school) than believe me, I shall grit my teeth and stomp my boots until it's done. Any way ...

So, the new goals for 2011 are as follows:

1) attend the temple with my husband as frequently as I can.
2) magnify my church assignments as a compassionate service assistant, young women's basketball coach and women's yoga instructor
3) Delve into the world of organic vegetable and fruit growing this coming season (and as I live in an apartment complex that may involve a bit more effort).
4) Continue to expand my knowledge and excitement for cooking vegetarian meals
5) Have date nights with my husband at least twice a month so we make time to go rock climbing, watch movies and eat Indian food
6) stay in touch with family and friends and attempt to do the birthday cards right this year (I will confess right now that this was last years resolution as well and it didn't really work out so I'm having another go).
7) Make a real effort to build friendships
8) Here's the big one ... have a budget and stick to it (now this one is something that John and I have done off and on but with all the new stresses of student loans, a potential new house and upcoming law school and family trips we really need to be on our A game)
9) Be the best physician assistant that I can be by continuing to learn more about medicine, caring more for my coworkers and patients and working on those CME hours that I need
10) Get back to my musical and creative roots. (I have found more and more that over the years of schooling in science and medicine I haven't made my guitar a priority at all. I want to see more live music and hear the creative young artists in the area jamming away in the local coffee shop. I want to play for shows and write new songs even if I know that only a handful of people will be able to experience them with me. I want to go to concerts and dance with John to Jack Johnson and Ben Harper. I just want to feel inspired again and 2011 is as good a time as any)

And there you have it. My new years resolutions for 2011. I'll keep you updated. And feel free to share some of your own goals :)