Oh and Merry Christmas :)

I am tired today. My feet ache from standing in one place for so long. Today's surgeries went well and there is always a feeling of accomplishment when you know you did the patient right or at the very least they are better going out the door than what they were coming in. We had such an interesting case of a man with an inferior vena cava (IVC) aortic fistula. His IVC had a diameter of about 9cm and he was pumping literally liters of blood into it from his aorta which caused heart failure and pulmonary congestion. His belly sounded like a very loud machine and made you wonder why this had gone undiagnosed for so many years. Well, his belly is quiet (other than the gurgle and burps of bowel sounds) now and it was nice to have a surgery go so smoothly and with so little blood loss.

I know that I work in vascular surgery but I still have a hard time with large quantities of blood. It just makes me rather anxious to see the blood dripping on my feet and pooling in front of me as I remove sponge after sponge from a bleeding cavity. I know that we could do a better job at hemostasis. hmmm .... perhaps this is a bit graphic for the average reader. Still, this is what I do every day and most of the time it is exhilarating.

Actually I don't think it is the blood per say but the way that the surgeon seems to have so little mind of it and of other very scary things. For example, we ended up having to remove part of a rib during a very complicated case a few days ago and I was literally holding this mans lungs down so that the saw wouldn't open the pleura and cause some real problems. Not only were we in the middle of the brachial plexus (which for the average reader is a complex webbing of nerves in the arm that if disrupted could destroy the arms function completely) but there were arteries and veins and lungs and lots of other vital things. It was stressful. I really do love my job.

Oh and Merry Christmas :)

The background music to my life

It's a late night but the idea of sleeping in tomorrow until after 8 sounds just too amazing and I want to be tired. Don't worry, I completely understand that this is a ridiculous idea.

So I'm not sure if any of you have listened to Sara Bareilles lately but I'm here to tell you that she's absolutely fabulous. When my mom gave me her first CD "Little Voice" a few years ago I was a skeptic (I always am). My fascination with Jewel had kept me quite satisfied for many years and I wasn't about to let my heart slip to just anyone. Plus she looked young and hip and that generally means she is completely cool with selling sex with poor vocals that can't stand up to the test of live music. Man, I was so wrong. It didn't take long ... I found myself singing her tunes all the time and I loved her spunky attitude and fresh take on jazz and pop. I can officially say now that I love her. I not only love her music, her voice, her creativity but her entertaining personality. Not that I'm leaving Jewel in the dust. I still own every CD that woman has made but I am going to admit right now that there are more than a couple of albums that I find myself skipping songs ... unheard of!

I had the wonderful opportunity to spend a good 60 dollars and take John to see Sara in concert last month. I wish I could convey to you how talented she is. One night with her and she has me hooked. I know I will spend more than what I would normally consider reasonable to see her again. Her music has recently become my background music for my life. I can mold every song on her new CD to my completely complicated yet simple life. (Yes, I know that doesn't make sense but that's perfectly ok with me).

She makes me want to sing, something I haven't honestly done in a long time. I suppose I've been caught up with work and marriage, holidays and family drama. I hope that perhaps this will encourage all of you readers to take a few moments and look her up. I'm sure you'll be just as entranced as I am.

the ones i love

And here they are everybody ... the ones i love.

Oprah Magazine

I was reading the December issue of Oprah Magazine the other day and came across this great article. I thought I'd share it with you all. Here is Portia de Rossi talking about her Aha Moment in life...

I've always seen myself as an animal lover, but honestly, my affection didn't extend to all animals. I categorized them: Dogs were smart, loyal, and loving, so they were more valuable than, say, goats or pigs. I think that's why I never thought twice about eating meat. Steak and burgers weren't an everyday meal, but I definitely accepted meat as a necessary part of life. That all changed five years ago, when Ellen [DeGeneres] and I moved to a farm in California.

The property was beautiful, with plenty of land for our animals: We had four cows and two calves, and after a few months, we took in a 4-year-old Canadian Warmblood mare named Diva. The night she arrived, I was so worried about her that I couldn't sleep. She had been hauled several hours to our farm, and I feared she might have colic. So at 5 o'clock in the morning, I went out to the pasture to keep an eye on her. I sat very still, watching her until sunrise. Everything was so quiet that I think the animals forgot I was there. Then I witnessed something extraordinary: The cows formed a single-file line, and one by one they touched noses with the new horse as a greeting. The calves wouldn't approach on their own, so one of the cows nudged them forward. Each of the babies touched the horse's nose, then jumped around and played like little children.

I started crying and thought, I can't possibly keep eating these animals. Before that moment, I wouldn't have fathomed cows doing something like that. I was forced to confront the fact that I had chosen to remain ignorant of their nature because it was just easier that way.

That evening Ellen and I went to dinner at our favorite restaurant, where I often ordered the spaghetti Bolognese. I almost asked for it out of habit. But then I realized I had actually changed. I had no appetite for meat sauce. Giving up beef wasn't just some fleeting idea. Over the next year, I stopped eating all animals and animal products. I always thought going vegan would be difficult, but I genuinely don't crave meat or cheese. And I feel happier, like I'm contributing to making the world a less violent place. Before that morning on the farm, I ranked an animal's value based on how "human" it was. Now I don't judge other beings that way—every animal has its own intelligence and sensitivities. They're all lovely, worthwhile, and deserving of our respect.

"No problem, we cook lamb"

Oh my it is late and I'm certain that I should be closing my computer and going to sleep, especially since our alarm is sure to wake me at 5 in the morning. Yes ... 5 AM! Annie is obsessively licking her paws and John is attempting sleep next to me. (And just as I finish typing that last part he says "before you put your computer away will you look up the Acura MDX for me? I think I have officially accepted that my husband likes cars.)

I enjoyed work today. I liked staying busy and walking all over the hospital and seeing patients in the office and learning more about chronic mesentaric ischemia. I really do love my job and I'm still glowing by the idea that I am no longer a student but a REAL physician assistant. Wearing my long white coat makes me feel professional and its awesome. There are a few things about the job that aren't desirable but just can't be avoided ... for example ... palpating femoral pulses in a groin that is sure to have something nasty, the horrific smell of rotting flesh or a gram negative wound, the absolutely horrendous smell of body odor and cigarettes and alcohol and moldy clothes and urine all together, wrapping a MRSA wound, holding sweaty feet ... that kind of stuff. All that being said, I still get to cut peoples toes off and pull intestines out of the stomach, suture veins and arteries the size of matchsticks and keep a person from bleeding to death on the table with my bare hands (bare hands meaning double gloved hands). I have a great profession.

Oh we also got our Christmas tree today. Actually John got it and it was perfectly standing in the corner of our living room when I got home. It's amazingly cute and fat for John's standards. I picked out a few a couple of days ago but John went with a smaller one. I'm sure this was a good move considering we could barely walk through the living room in our last apartment with the one I picked out last year. I tend to go for the most stout trees. They just seem cuter as balls until I get them in the house and they are so round that they are practically in the middle of the room. I love the way the house smells now and even though most of the snow has melted already and the temperature is finally bearable it's beginning to feel a lot like Christmas.



I am going to my first real Christmas party tomorrow at my surgeons house. His wife is from Cyprus and apparently she pulls out a five course meal and we all sit around a beautifully decorated dining table and laugh at each others jokes. I get to wear my nice black dress and John actually tried on his outfit before he went to bed. We are a bit excited. I will have the dilemma of eating meat but I've decided I'm going to try everything since I haven't eaten any in over two weeks. Plus I don't want his wife to be offended. It's kind of like that one part in "My Big Fat Greek Wedding" when she says: "You don't eat meat? What do you mean you don't eat meat? No problem, we cook lamb". I love that part.

Well, it is way past my bed time now and John and Annie are both snoring. Now I have to find that Acura MDX.

A Snowy Day

I have spent most of the day in bed and it has been wonderful. John is at work so it is just me, my balsam and cedar Yankee candle and an empty carton of pumpkin cheesecake ice cream. Well, actually Annie is here too but she has preoccupied herself with the squirrels outside the bedroom window for the past hour. Soon I am going to take a bath with bubbles, shave my legs while listening to some tunes. Maybe I'll do some yoga in my underwear and avoid cleaning the messy kitchen (John created dinner last night and every cabinet seems to have exploded).

It has just stopped snowing but there is a lovely blanket of white all over the city. I spent some time walking Annie this morning but the rest of my time has been spent watching House episodes. I love and hate this show. It is so frustrating how wrong they are about medicine and yet I truly enjoy the constant stream of cynical sarcasm. 

Who doesn't love a snowy day

My first post and I'm already ranting on meat eating!

Well hello everyone. Here I am, officially beginning a blog. Over several years now I have considered such a thing if for no other reason than to join the millions of people around the world that say "yes, I blog". I also think that its another one of those strange things that ended up on my life goals list along with dreadlocks and being able to touch my toes to the back of my head. I hope to keep this going so that I can introduce more of my life to my family and friends. Through recent circumstances I have come to recognize that it is important to allow other people to reach into our lives and I know that this isn't necessarily the most personal or majestic way of communicating but I kind of like it that way.

So, this being my new blog and my first post I have decided to share my thoughts on food. Yes, food and meat in particular. The past few months I have found myself continually pondering meat and it's role in my life. And not just "meat" like it is some kind of spontaneous material that randomly materializes wrapped in plastic or a sesame bun, but "meat" as in animals. This past summer I spent several months living with my father in law who has not eaten animal flesh in over two years. His determination and down right stubbornness was, if nothing else, inspiring. I loved his garden fresh vegetables and how my mother in law put together meals that were filling and satisfying without making me feel guilty. My body was continually thanking me for the good nutrients and care I was giving it. It showed me a different relationship with food that I have truly come to admire. (Just for the record ... I haven't necessarily kept up with this good habit).

As ridiculous as it may sound I don't think I have honestly made the connection before that this burger king whopper is actually a deceased cow and that a chic-fil-a sandwich really is/was a chicken. Perhaps it is because I don't spend my days butchering the animals that I consume that I have truly disassociated meat and its humble origins. How many of us truly consider that the flesh we are about to put on our grill and into our mouths was walking and breathing, had emotions and had a will to live.

When I first attended the temple (the LDS temple that is) I was overcome with an appreciation for this wonderful world. An abounding love for all of God's creations filled me and it was absolutely magnificent. I like to tell people that my family is the most extreme family you'll ever meet. We have the most raw and unbridled emotions you'll find in the human race. Some of them are hidden and some are marked clearly on our foreheads but they are there and they are oh so strong. So, when I say I felt an "abounding love" I truly mean just that. It was overwhelming. It was awesome and every time I go back I feel that same feeling. It's as if I'm gaining a greater appreciation each time I go. And perhaps it may seems odd but I have honestly felt my heart being pulled towards being a vegetarian. Ok, now let me explain ...

It isn't as if I have felt that God has spoken to me. No, it is much more like a soft and gentle, slow tugging towards a different perspective. Almost as if the past few months He has helped me to be more aware (and man do I need awareness). In the church we speak often of the word of wisdom and how alcohol, tobacco and other addictive materials can influence us in negative ways. For some the word of wisdom is a very difficult task but for many others it is simple and rather easy. I personally have no difficulty denying drink and cigarettes (my struggles lie elsewhere) but haven't really considered how the rest of the word of wisdom pertains to me. How often do we truly read all of the words and see its full potential? I believe there is so much more for us there. I have read it a lot recently and it too has been a part of this gentle tugging.

So, I guess what I am getting at is that this a process for me. I still eat meat occasionally (mostly because I have a hard time getting rid of traditions like turkey on Thanksgiving). I have concerns for my general nutrition as well since I know that there are vital nutrients in meats that need to be replaced, I just haven't quite learned where to get all of that yet. There is so much more that I want to be educated about and it's rather exciting.

I also find that it is hard to eat just fruits, vegetables, nuts, etc. without consuming meat. It's hard because meat is everywhere and in just about everything! It is almost as if Americans feel that a meal isn't quite a meal unless a dead animal is on the table. And since I am a good old American, meat is simply habit. Since it is everywhere it is too easy to forget and not recognize meat when you see it. Yes, and if you don't believe me just try to not eat meat for a week and you'll find yourself chewing on something and then later recognizing your fault. The very struggle to avoid meat and how often I have caught myself in this very situation has also been eye opening. I now give thanks and appreciate the meat that I do eat. It helps me to feel at peace with the animal that is now dead and sustaining me.
 

I hope that no one feels that I am being judgmental or harsh on anyone that is a omnivore or carnivore for that matter. I, in no way, feel upset or angry at others eating habits. This is my journey and my thoughts. My new and growing perspective and I absolutely love it. I hope that none of you will feel offended should I deny your freshly cooked pot roast and I would appreciate all the more those who support me in my change.

*Sigh* This has been a much longer blog than I intended and I have much more to say on the matter but it is late and my husband awaits me. It has been nice to share my thoughts and get them written down.
Refreshing I'd say.